I have a tendency of going through phases of motivation, confidence and general happiness. These are however ultimately followed by long stretches of depression, hopelessness and procrastination. When I started this blog I was in one of the motivated and happy phases. However, if you observe my posting throughout time you will notice a slow, yet progressive and noticeable downwards trend. I am a cynic at heart but the early posts still convey a sense of optimism. Some sort of solution to the problems I present. However, as time goes by… My articles have gotten a little darker, bland and are just generally, starting to consist of me moaning about things. The motivational touch I add is getting so generic that I stop believing it myself. Overall, just sounding like an angry teenager who doesn’t know life outside of his parent house, an Xbox controller and last nights greasy, rotting kebab.
Well guys, I’m sorry.
When I started my blog, I made a personal oath. An oath that I am currently breaking as I write this. I completely devoted myself to posting regularly REGARDLESS of the circumstances. I wanted to keep a steady audience despite the dark depths of Google search in which you currently find this blog in. I promised I wouldn’t get lazy and this site wouldn’t become another digital graveyard. A waste of internet space along with all the other “Did you know I write a blog” bloggers.
Even if I failed all of this, there is one thing I swore I would never EVER do. The ultimate cliché that just sets aside the lazy underachieving pieces of shit from successful writers, vloggers and bloggers alike… I swore I would never make this post.
You know the one. It starts a little something like this.
Hey guys! I know I haven’t posted in a while but…
Yes, That one.
Well… here it is. My manifesto. My descent into failed, vain and inane blogging with the rest of you fuckers.
For that… I am sorry.
Hey guys! I know I haven’t posted in a while but… The truth is, I feel like shit.
I feel like shit for feeling like shit.
I feel like shit for being drunk AGAIN.
I feel like shit for not being able to wake up until noon.
I feel like shit for all the pretentious shit I pretend to give a shit about.
I feel like shit for writing this stupid post like a 15 year old girl posting shitty poems on her shit tumblr.
There’s a lot of things I feel shit about, but most of all… I feel shit for giving up. I feel shit for laying in bed all day not being able to write because I feel so dead. It’s hard. My head is a wreck. It seems like a lifetime of bad habits and poor decision making is taking a toll on my mental and cognitive abilities. Maybe my brain is just disaggregating into a fried and over stimulated puddle of mush. Maybe I’m dead?
I don’t know what’s going on but I just want to apologise for publishing this rambling of self indulgent and egomaniacal tripe. If you are still reading, then you are a stronger man than I.
The truth is, I’ve had my fun of being a hedonistic waster and now I want out. I want to be that guy that wakes up everyday at 5.am and does something productive. Someone who makes a positive impact on this world. The truth is though, this deep pit of self loathing and pity only feeds an ongoing and perpetual cycle of more and more misery. Wake up, feel like shit then repeat until you feel like so much like utter shit you can’t even get out of bed.
Maybe one day, I can get up and do something useful that will actual impact society rather than just rambling on behind a computer screen. Maybe one day I can get up before noon and do stuff that normal people do for once. Yes, being a normal functioning member of society sounds nice…
Who am I kidding, I’m just drunk… Pour me another one.
–THE LONELY DRUNK–
The Lonely West 